Yes, that's us...

It's a new year & of course a delay in my blog writing bahahaha. I laugh because I really am bad at it. It's okay though, I do it for fun & in my free time which can be hard to find. Sadly, I need to make more of it but who doesn't. haha

2015 was amazing of course. We had a fun holiday with Ryan's mom and all his siblings. It was hard for me to leave. Mainly because I never had siblings close to my age and so it was fun to see that kind of love and togetherness. Not that I didn't have love, etc. growing up at holiday's, just a different type of closeness if that makes sense.  We didn't get to see everyone we wanted to but we are grateful for the time we had with everyone great or small, or not at all (maybe I should be the next dr. Seuss). It was a good and challenging 2015, but worth every minute. 

............

Lately life have been a little difficult to understand, not horrible things just more frustrating experiences/life in general/situations everyone knows about. 

1. Those things you get into and get from here to there, they have 4 wheels.

We bought a VAN, a Toyota sienna 2013, heck yes. haha #noshame.  I have never been a van person so it's been a different adjustment but worth it for sure. We needed a new car extremely bad. Having one car is rough. I wasn't able to leave the house when I needed to, felt a little trapped somedays. Honestly though, we had to make it work. Ryan works in SLC by the airport, and the trax system in Utah has no stops or bus stops where he is at. Also, he has his MBA to focus on and homework has to be a on his priority list. Anyways, so a couple weeks before Christmas, we found a good deal on the van and snatched it at Velocity here in Utah. Then a month later (aka: last week) our old car's engine went out. :( boo... I may have teared up. Only because the luxury of two cars was gone once again after such a short time. It is nice not having a car payment, so once we got the van it was understandable, but now that we will have two is moi sucky. 

2. Wanting to be something, knowing your not a certain thing, and wanting to fix it. 

Ugh, weight has been a struggle with me since I have had kids. I am sure people are like (oh, she has gained weight, etc.) haha I have been asked more in life if I am pregnant with not actually being pregnant this last year. I just carried all my weight from brooks in my gluteus maximus area and my abdominals that can't been seen. However, I will admit it's my fault. I wasn't very consistent with working out. And I love dessert I really do! haha it's not even candy, or pop (soda whatever), etc. I just love that end portion of the meal. With my schooling/degree I should know what is good and bad for me and I do. It was difficult for me to just do it, once again making that time for myself. Once we got another car I was able to go to the gym everyday, and I missed it! I love working out. Just forgot how much haha. So now that we have one car again, it's hard for me to do it at my house. I hate doing it at home. I have to many distractions (not sweets) but projects, etc. So frustratingly I have been trying to balance it and I don't know how to be honest. Just because I don't have a car to go to the gym is no excuse haha so.... A friend talked to me about a netflix documentary about wanting to be HEALTHY, not SKINNY. I have yet to watch it but it is so true. I need to stop saying "I want to be skinny", I really don't haha I want to be fit and healthy and I am fully capable of it. 

3. Children are so wonderful but can be so difficult to understand at the same time. (This is every human individual in this world right? haha so it should make sense). 

But it doesn't. I am that mom sometimes people have said to me or about my kids, not sure if they thought it but I know they have said, "Those kids need medication", or, "I don't think they get enough attention", "Does she ever sit still?" "Is she okay?" haha for reals sometimes it sounds funny to me because I laugh a lot of things off it helps. But it can be difficult. Not the words people say. I am not ever saying, ew who are you to say that "blah blah you (insert swear word I guess)" haha never. In my mind I say, oh shoot, maybe I need to focus on them more, or am I doing enough for Blaire and her behaviors? Is brooks okay that he is a momma's boy? For example, at church Blaire is one of the few, if only, sunbeam that runs around the primary room for an hour.  It doesn't help that I play the piano in there haha but I can tell it's annoying to people because it's annoying to me, and I see their faces. Not that kids should sit still 24/7 get real. haha in a perfect world. But when others don't understand her behavior problems, and when Blaire doesn't understand me or the why to be more reverent it becomes a game I don't like to play. This is also the case when she should be potty trained but isn't. She knows how, but chooses not too. I know I am good mom and can improve in some areas just like everyone else. Just hard to understand why sometimes. Another thing, my kids are starting to be more picky eaters. We actually eat healthy foods, I don't buy processed foods. I make a lot of things which I enjoy doing! (haha I just like dessert haha) We do a lot of organic foods too. Anyways, but when my kids don't eat anything I make and all they want is toast and cereal it get's old. Just eat haha okay? haha just eat yummy dinner. Easier said than done.

4. Overwhelmingness of broken things and wanting to fix them but can't just yet. 

I mean this in a real sense, not my soul haha. Our material items in our home are old, broken, and just outdated. (couches, tv, table, etc.) We have always moved to renters places and could hang things up. Holes didn't matter, but now it's our home, haha we have to be more aware of things. We love our home, it's our first actual home but it is slowly but surely getting to where we want it. And of course things cost $$$ and lately we have had to put that in new cars, etc. Honestly,, I haven't ever posted pictures inside because it's not "pinterest" worthy. We aren't embarrassed of our home but it almost doesn't feel like it is complete just yet. Johanna Gaines would be appalled at my curtains in our kids bedrooms, aka its a blanket. But I have thought in the back of my mind, when I go to a friends house, oh they would be so embarrassed for me if they came to my house. haha but then I know those things don't matter. And they don't honestly, but I think it is human nature to want things to feel complete. And on the other hand it all sounds so petty-like. It's this overwhelming sense of not knowing where to start but I feel like I have to. Just weird haha. Perfectionism at it's finest.

5. My voice is triumphant.

Triumphant as in = too loud or extremely needs to calm down. Aka. I am a yeller. haha Honestly that's the only way I have known things can be done. It's not all the time or everyday. But when I get angry or upset, or I have cleaned everything and a cracker gets smashed in the carpet, etc. that triumphant voice decides to come out. It's okay to have arguments or be frustrated, but in a tone that is accepting. haha I am pretty sure mine is not. I realized finding out about this weakness per say, it has hindered me from feeling better about myself, it has hindered me from being a better mother, wife, friend. 

Now that my complaining is done, I know everyone has their stuff. Their issues, their problems, their weaknesses. We are more alike in this world than I think we realize. When I look at the big picture of it all, I have my family. I have Ryan who works hard, he wants the things that I want. People don't realize his strengths sometimes. But we do here at home. Blaire is someone honestly I hope I learn how to be. She just goes for it haha doesn't care what people think I need more of that. Brooks is hilarious. He wants and chooses to be happy all the time. I don't know if an 18 month toddler really knows life in those aspects but his laughs and child-like nature is a good presence in the home. 

Also, having the gospel, having a knowledge of something higher/divine is a strength to have. It brings hope, and a purpose in this life. A wonder and awe of all the good things we do have in this world amongst the crazy (politics, wars, lies, he said she said, i am right you aren't, etc.). Pray is so needed! haha It helps with my triumphant voice, my worries for my children, my struggles to understand why, my hopes to become better in all aspects, to help others, et. I would be lost without it. We as people have been given good to do good with. I am grateful for this, for a Savior, for believing and knowing something that has never failed me. I can't deny His truths. 

Yes, life sucks sometimes and it's okay to know that. haha But it really is pretty rad :)

(Just in case you didn't know haha, the Broncos are going to the Superbowl. #lifeisgreat)

Much Love,

JPB

new post...

It's been three months since I last wrote (not six! haha)A lot of crazy was happening all at once in such a short time, you can read about that crazy right here.

But of course, life is always crazy and these past couple months have been nothing short of the madness we call happiness.

new JOB:

With Ryan's hard work and patience, which I admire, he was offered a position at Clearlink! He actually wasn't planning on working there but stepped out of his box and just counter-offered for them. The worst they could have said would be no, and we heard that a lot so it was for sure worth a shot. The shot worked and he gladly accepted! It is located out by the airport and he is on their marketing team learning more skills each day! Go Ry! :) 

Honestly, he is a much happier and family oriented man. Not that he wasn't before, his work was just demanding and he noticed he was slowly changing in a way he didn't like. (He talks about it on his blog here.) How grateful I am for his diligence in keeping his head up and looking at the situation with a positive attitude. Also, he made it to 18th grade! :) haha Hooray! Almost done with grad school!

new RESULTS:

This is about our cute BQ. She is learning and talking much more these days, understanding how to do things herself, solve problems to things, etc. Our therapist is one in a million and teachings our family skills we will always use. Not just focused on Blaire, but things to help us work together, and communicate better with one another. Blaire still won't potty train, but I am not worried as much as I use to be; she isn't ready yet. Whether or not other people outside are home understand that or not, I don't really care haha. We are doing what we can, it really is the little things that matter. 

On a side note, she did run away from home and was missing for 30 minutes. NOT FUN. Scariest thing in the world. We were outside having popsicles with neighbors and I turned around for one second and she disappeared. We looked in our houses around our area and I thought she probably ran to the park possibly? And sure enough my amazing neighbor found her there. Of course I cried when I saw her I don't wish this upon any parent. She didn't realize it was wrong and still doesn't grasp the concept but the therapist has taught us some new things to help her stay by us. We have to play the stop & go game outside while holding hands, give her specific choices, etc. There is hope haha! But Blaire is honestly a wonderful, independent, beautiful and busy girl. We are excited to see what her energy and excitement about life will bring to this world.

new HOUSE:

I thoroughly enjoy having a place to call our own. As you can see below, still pretty empty. We finally put up some curtains with the help of our amazing neighbors! I just got white because I couldn't take it anymore. I am extremely picky/perfectionist but it works. I am nervous to put holes in the wall too. Which is why nothing is hung, etc. It takes time and money to get what we need/want which I am fine waiting, more times than others. We will get there :) 

new PERSPECTIVE:

As with everyone, life is always teaching us to learn something new, challenge us to new heights per say. I knew I was a perfectionist but I didn't realize how damaging it can be. My anger was becoming more constant over simple things. I was putting a wedge between my relationship with Ryan, my kids, and all things spiritual. I began believing the lie that everything had to be right, perfect, then, and not later. I knew something had to change or life was going to get more difficult for me. Ryan and I kept talking and suggested I talk to his uncle Rex who has worked for the church being a counselor, among other things. I had this constant battle for a couple days about calling him, being anxious about it, you name it. I finally just called him I am so glad I did of course!

I learned within minutes that being a perfectionist is a weakness of mine. I hold myself to a pretty high standard which can be difficult when I make the smallest mistake such as forgetting to read my scriptures in the morning. In 3 Nephi 12:48 (Or Matthew 5:48) it says, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect." This is an interesting verse because it isn't possible to be perfect right now, only through Christ and his atonement is it made possible. But not even in this life is it possible. We will be, and are constantly told, we make mistakes. Satan uses this concept and makes us think that mistakes so small make us unworthy to follow Christ, or pray to know he loves us, etc. With that said, I have to constantly tell myself:

1. Perfectionism is a Lie
2. I can know this is a lie if I pray continually about it, I will feel and know it is a truth.
3. Prayer is key and the Lord still loves me for my weakness.

I was totally in a therapy session over the phone. #noshame and it's working! :) I am slowly, not easily, coming to understand how to change my weakness to a strength. This is kind of more personal than I usually share? But with conference coming and my depth within the gospel lately, I just hope everyone knows they are loved. Despite their weaknesses. Sounds like a broken record but I know that if you pray and ask for God's love. You will feel it and you can't forget it. I made this quote by Elder Holland below to keep me on track, it really works with anyone whatever they are going through! :) (there is a watermark on the print haha thats why it may look funny) 

SIDE NOTE: I taught myself a lot of new things to do with illustrator and such for my Etsy shop. I kept asking a talented friend who is beyond adorable from home to do some family portrait stuff for myself and family members my family never got back to me, etc. Long story short, I never had her do it and I totally forgot about it. Six months later Ry lost his job, and other things, we didn't have too much extra cash flow for extra wants. I thought maybe I can do it too? So I essentially taught myself and went from there! I hesitated showing people because I get so nervous about stuff like that. Being vulnerable and sharing your talents. 

Anyways, again my perfectionism can get the best of me with all aspects in my life but don't hesitate to be you people! :) You would be surprised what you can learn about yourself haha. 

new YEAR:

We have 3 summer birthdays! Ryan, Brooks and I! It is kind of fun with lots of celebrating to do! For my bday we didn't do anything too crazy! I hung out with my aunt haha she is pretty great and we have the same birthday so... it's kind of a must! Also, it happened! BLAIRE AND I GOT OUR EARS PIERCED TOGETHER! haha I have never had them before? Who knew, haha. It was fun. She did great too! She only cried for one second! :)

For Ry, we were actually on our way to Idaho since it was July 4th weekend! So we did a lot of family stuff for his birthday! And poor Brooks. haha Ryan had to work all day so I went to the park with some neighborhood friends and we played. He got some gifts but I didn't even have a chance to decorate or anything! WORST MOM EVER! I felt so bad! haha But he is loved I promise :) He started walking around his 1st birthday, now running. He still laughs 24/7. He is excited about life. His personality is very bold and outgoing from what we can tell so far. If anything he over exaggerates every emotion right now which is hilarious and so sweet! Bad note, he loves to bite. Little weasel. haha but he is still a cutie! 

new MEMORIES:

With all that said, we had a lot of fun this summer with new friends and family togetherness. I am grateful for those close to me and far! Isn't life just great? :)

We love when Karly Katee & Mite come visit

Side Note: Blaire never says Katee, always Karly or only Mi't'e
(Never says that 'k' haha) 

Go Gougs! (With our adorable BSU fan) 

4th of July with Ivy Mae! 

These amazing peeps running races! :) (PS: the couple next to ry are having a baby and it's pretty rad since they have been trying forever! :) :) :) You should read her story here! It's so tender!)

Grandpa Bennion's Funeral

Olsen Family Reunion

Ryan's Sweet Grandma who passed away recently after his Grandpa. 

Lagoon!!!! :) (Cannibal was legit ps.)  

Shouldn't have gone on that Cliffhanger... 

That time my mom took me to see the Kristen Chenoweth. Oh my heavens. Amazing. 

Love the park with the babes! 

Until next time!

Much Love,

JPB

Ps. Is fall here yet! That means, Halloween is coming. haha HOORAY! :)

another little b...

I have finally got a chance to tell you all another birth story! I can't believe I am a mother of two. I always wanted children but it is completely different imagining having them and actually having them. If that makes sense.

Mainly, with Blaire everything seemed more overwhelming through the entire pregnancy but in a good way. All the memories came back when I read my post about it (if you wish you can read it again here). This time around I was had the mind set of "it's all good, I got this" which actually surprised me since I had another child to watch. She kept me busy which I think helped a lot, distracted me from being sick and worrying all the time. 

I also love how every "birth story" or whatever you want to call it is different. It was much easier, when I say easier it is pretty much an understatement compared to last time. 

I was also curious about having a baby in a new hospital, town, etc. It was nice that we got to compare from one place to another. (We loved it much better than Madison Memorial, not that it was bad or anything, just felt more comfortable here). I was really nervous at what to expect at the time of delivery and having new doctors, etc. We decided to go to Intermountain, well the big reason was because insurance, but we had heard good things about our location. Sure enough the whole process was great, I had nothing to worry about! My OBGYN was the best (even though she couldn't be there at the birth), but everything just went really smooth. OKAY ENOUGH SIDE NOTES!

Once upon a time...

Ryan, Blaire, and I were in American Fork visiting my cousin and her new baby Trey. He was born early and was in the NICU for a bit. He was so small but so precious.

(Mind you, he was born a month early and was supposed to be due after Brooks. 

Ya, that didn't happen haha).

Anyways, we came back home around 9:00ish that night and I felt some contractions. They were about an hour or so apart. By midnight they were about 10 minutes apart and very consistent. I was surprised at how much faster they were coming and I started getting way nervous. Even though I had Blaire already, I kept thinking he has to come out, hope everything goes okay, etc. Of course they hurt because by 3:30am they were every 5 minutes. 

I wanted to wait until 2-3 minutes because we live, no joke, about 1 minute from Intermountain. 

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE:

I should tell you that Brooks was 9 days late, which I assumed anyways because that is how Blaire was too. With her I waited 2-3 minutes and drove from our house to Rexburg and my water broke after I got checked in and everything. So I figured 2-3 was a good time. 

APOLOGIES, BACK TO THE STORY: 

I was supposed to go to Intermountain 6:15am to be induced so I figured if I could wait it would be best. I tried baths and anything I could think of to help calm those contractions but nothing was working. By 4:15am I couldn't handle it and they were 2 minutes apart. I am some what of a wimp haha and can't tolerate pain very well and I knew I had to go then. We had everything ready and left, I got checked in at the desk and then Ryan actually went back home to go sleep some more because I figured I wouldn't have him until like 10am or something. (I don't know what I was thinking). He left before the nurses, etc. came back into my room.

We still had Blaire and thankfully my AMAZING aunt Stacy was willing to watch her for us which we arranged awhile ago. We had been texting her randomly all night about my status so we weren't stressed about anything really. 

It wasn't until after Ryan left for about 15 minutes, they finally checked me and told me I was at a 6 and that if they try and check me again my water will break and the baby will come right out. I started to panic. They said if I wanted an epidural that I would need it now.

YES PLEASE. 

I obviously had my epidural at this point. 

The anesthesiologist was hilarious, and made me feel very comfortable haha. Him and the nurses kept wondering when Ryan was going to come because they said I was progressing way fast! And the next thing I know, I can't keep my eyes open and my body felt very strange. I had a reaction to the epidural and passed out. I could hear them all around me trying to talk to me but I couldn't move or do anything. My blood pressure dropped really fast and the baby went into shock a little bit. They did whatever they do best and I gave me what I needed to stay regulated. I was so upset too because I didn't want to throw up and what they gave me made me do that. They later told me that they knew something was wrong when I stopped talking haha. Typical me, never shutting up. 

By this time it was around 5:15am and Ryan still wasn't answering. I was at a 9 and still panicking because they said my baby was coming even though my water hadn't broke yet. My aunt finally answered the phone and apparently he had received my texts and such and was meeting her at Thanksgiving point to drop Blaire off. We should of just had her come to our house but we were all sorts of tired, and she was jet lagged from vacationing in Hawaii. We were all a little off our communication skills haha. It was funny because she started yelling at Ryan to hurry and come because of the situation and he was 10-15 minutes away. I just told him to hurry and that everyone was waiting as much as they could. 

He finally made it! :) It was such a relief to see his face and comforting. I didn't want him to miss anything and just wanted him with me. He is seriously the greatest support! 

They broke my water and nothing happened. The babe didn't move for another hour and half and I was at a 9 until about 7:45am. So during that time I tried to sleep but I had a headache from being so tired and was already anxious even though I hadn't slept yet. I was feeling some pressure to which helped and I knew he was coming soon! 

My epidural actually started wearing off on one side, so the next time the nurse came in she moved my heavy legs for me and checked me and said I could try pushing since the doctor was on her way. Ahh! I just kept smiling and was excited it was all happening so fast! (compared to last time which was like all day/night and 2 hours or so of pushing). 

So, I pushed and she told me to stop! His head was just barley coming out. I was like AHH! I can't stop! There was just a lot of pressure I had to push but I had to wait 10 more minutes before the doc came. I did mention above it wasn't my regular doctor, but she was also very nice! Very positive,  hilarious, and welcoming haha it was great.

I was being very patient but glad she came when she did because I only needed to push twice and our little boy came! :) They hurry and put him on my chest, cleaned him off, oh it was one of the sweetest moments! And Ryan didn't miss it! :) 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

8:15am

Brooks Ryan Bennion

8 pounds 6 ounces 20 inches long! 

First pic of little Ryben!

He looks so swollen in these pics! And he actually had the embillical cord wrapped around his face. There is a huge bruise on his nose/eye, he had it for about 2 weeks.

Ry and Brooks! Ryan doesn't think he looks like him
but everyone else does. He says he can't tell. Silly daddy.

We have always liked the name Brooks even before Ryan and I met really. And we felt good about it! :) He looks like a Brooks to us so haha it worked! Ryan's family has a tradition with the first born son taking hid fathers first name as a middle name which is why we have the Ryan. :) And Brooks is the first grandson for all our families! The Bennion name lives on!

Anyways, it is just a joy of overwhelming love to have moments like these. Especially having Ryan there. Brooks was so perfect, his little cries were the cutest too! :) 

It was as if nothing else mattered and we knew everything we had done in our lives was right because we had our little boy. And that we had done it before with Blaire made it that much sweeter. 

The rest of the stay was seriously amazing. I got to have my Lorne Doone crackers. I don't know why but they are my favorite and I could have as many as I wanted! :) We had so many visitors and we loved it. My family came from Washington for a couple days which they didn't get to do with Blaire.

Ryan loved the hospital socks, he had to document.

Had to capture this amazingness.

Stacy brought Blaire to us that night and oh was she so excited. It was such a sweet moment. She came up on the bed and just kept saying baby! With a big smile on her face. I cry every time I think about it even though I didn't cry when it happened haha. I just love my kids! :) 

First family photo! :) 

Ryan was able to take Blaire and just sleep at home since it was 1 minute away and I was completely fine by myself. We both were so tired and needed some sleep. My family wanted to take Blaire since they hardly get to see her so they took her for the day. She had a blast! They went and played in Salt Lake while we had more visitors and just relaxed at the hospital. 

My dad and Blaire :) 

Grammy Pammy and BQ! :) 

Our last night I won't forget because I actually was lucky enough and had a friend from back home as my night nurse! :) Rian (Funk) Deleo one of the best surprises ever! :) It was nice having someone I knew there, made me more relaxed to go home the next morning. I didn't have to stay the whole 48 hours but I guess but it was nice with all our visitors and very worth it having Rian there that last night. She is a great nurse and everyone should be lucky and thankful to have her! She was as great help to me more than she knows! 

We just wanted to say how thankful we are for all the family and friends that were able to come by at the hospital and after we came home. We felt so loved and glad you shared that love with us for little Brooks with support, hugs, and kisses, and gifts, and everything! 

Grandma Nae (Ry's mom) :)

My dad with Brooks :) 

My family, who lives in Washington, with the babe :) 

Grammy Pammy loves her Brooks :)

My sister Chloe :)

The AMAZING aunt Stacy and Chels! :) 

Cousin Ellie and Brooks! 

Ryans sister Karly :)

Karly's husband Wade :) 

Ryan's dad, Gary :) 

MaMaa Lori! :) 

Cousin Ivy! (Karly and Wades litte babe) 

My mom and her BF Mike came to see the babe
and make us a yummy dinner! :)  

Aunt Katee and Uncle Mike! :) 

My mom came back and stayed with me for
a couple of days to help out. Here she is with
the handsome lil' guy. 

My close friends Kenzie and Jessie came to visit us! :) With their
beyond adorable kiddos. 

My grandparents wanted to come see my cousin Hilary's new
baby Trey and Brooks! 

Thank you all again! Brooks is very blessed to have you all in his life! :)

Our kids seriously are the most precious things in this life. Heavenly Father is so gracious in letting us have such a great responsibility and I am so thankful to have the gift to do so. Recently, Ryan and I have heard so many stories of heartache with the loss of a friend, tragic accidents, and sweet little babes with illnesses, etc. We have much to be grateful for. Our life is truly a happy one and to know amongst heartache we have the plan of happiness to hold onto is a needed hope Ryan and I always cherish. Hope that there is a Christ and that He lives today is a great motivation to always want to follow Him no matter what we have to face each morning. We don't know how so many overcome what they do but what great examples they are to us. Thank you for your testimonies and strength in Christ, it doesn't go unnoticed. 

We are so thankful for you Brooks! There is so much love for you here! We can't wait to see what you do in this world. WE LOVE YOU! :) 

THE END.