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Monday, January 25, 2016

Yes, that's us...

It's a new year & of course a delay in my blog writing bahahaha. I laugh because I really am bad at it. It's okay though, I do it for fun & in my free time which can be hard to find. Sadly, I need to make more of it but who doesn't. haha

2015 was amazing of course. We had a fun holiday with Ryan's mom and all his siblings. It was hard for me to leave. Mainly because I never had siblings close to my age and so it was fun to see that kind of love and togetherness. Not that I didn't have love, etc. growing up at holiday's, just a different type of closeness if that makes sense.  We didn't get to see everyone we wanted to but we are grateful for the time we had with everyone great or small, or not at all (maybe I should be the next dr. Seuss). It was a good and challenging 2015, but worth every minute. 
............

Lately life have been a little difficult to understand, not horrible things just more frustrating experiences/life in general/situations everyone knows about. 

1. Those things you get into and get from here to there, they have 4 wheels.

We bought a VAN, a Toyota sienna 2013, heck yes. haha #noshame.  I have never been a van person so it's been a different adjustment but worth it for sure. We needed a new car extremely bad. Having one car is rough. I wasn't able to leave the house when I needed to, felt a little trapped somedays. Honestly though, we had to make it work. Ryan works in SLC by the airport, and the trax system in Utah has no stops or bus stops where he is at. Also, he has his MBA to focus on and homework has to be a on his priority list. Anyways, so a couple weeks before Christmas, we found a good deal on the van and snatched it at Velocity here in Utah. Then a month later (aka: last week) our old car's engine went out. :( boo... I may have teared up. Only because the luxury of two cars was gone once again after such a short time. It is nice not having a car payment, so once we got the van it was understandable, but now that we will have two is moi sucky. 

2. Wanting to be something, knowing your not a certain thing, and wanting to fix it. 

Ugh, weight has been a struggle with me since I have had kids. I am sure people are like (oh, she has gained weight, etc.) haha I have been asked more in life if I am pregnant with not actually being pregnant this last year. I just carried all my weight from brooks in my gluteus maximus area and my abdominals that can't been seen. However, I will admit it's my fault. I wasn't very consistent with working out. And I love dessert I really do! haha it's not even candy, or pop (soda whatever), etc. I just love that end portion of the meal. With my schooling/degree I should know what is good and bad for me and I do. It was difficult for me to just do it, once again making that time for myself. Once we got another car I was able to go to the gym everyday, and I missed it! I love working out. Just forgot how much haha. So now that we have one car again, it's hard for me to do it at my house. I hate doing it at home. I have to many distractions (not sweets) but projects, etc. So frustratingly I have been trying to balance it and I don't know how to be honest. Just because I don't have a car to go to the gym is no excuse haha so.... A friend talked to me about a netflix documentary about wanting to be HEALTHY, not SKINNY. I have yet to watch it but it is so true. I need to stop saying "I want to be skinny", I really don't haha I want to be fit and healthy and I am fully capable of it. 

3. Children are so wonderful but can be so difficult to understand at the same time. (This is every human individual in this world right? haha so it should make sense). 

But it doesn't. I am that mom sometimes people have said to me or about my kids, not sure if they thought it but I know they have said, "Those kids need medication", or, "I don't think they get enough attention", "Does she ever sit still?" "Is she okay?" haha for reals sometimes it sounds funny to me because I laugh a lot of things off it helps. But it can be difficult. Not the words people say. I am not ever saying, ew who are you to say that "blah blah you (insert swear word I guess)" haha never. In my mind I say, oh shoot, maybe I need to focus on them more, or am I doing enough for Blaire and her behaviors? Is brooks okay that he is a momma's boy? For example, at church Blaire is one of the few, if only, sunbeam that runs around the primary room for an hour.  It doesn't help that I play the piano in there haha but I can tell it's annoying to people because it's annoying to me, and I see their faces. Not that kids should sit still 24/7 get real. haha in a perfect world. But when others don't understand her behavior problems, and when Blaire doesn't understand me or the why to be more reverent it becomes a game I don't like to play. This is also the case when she should be potty trained but isn't. She knows how, but chooses not too. I know I am good mom and can improve in some areas just like everyone else. Just hard to understand why sometimes. Another thing, my kids are starting to be more picky eaters. We actually eat healthy foods, I don't buy processed foods. I make a lot of things which I enjoy doing! (haha I just like dessert haha) We do a lot of organic foods too. Anyways, but when my kids don't eat anything I make and all they want is toast and cereal it get's old. Just eat haha okay? haha just eat yummy dinner. Easier said than done.

4. Overwhelmingness of broken things and wanting to fix them but can't just yet. 

I mean this in a real sense, not my soul haha. Our material items in our home are old, broken, and just outdated. (couches, tv, table, etc.) We have always moved to renters places and could hang things up. Holes didn't matter, but now it's our home, haha we have to be more aware of things. We love our home, it's our first actual home but it is slowly but surely getting to where we want it. And of course things cost $$$ and lately we have had to put that in new cars, etc. Honestly,, I haven't ever posted pictures inside because it's not "pinterest" worthy. We aren't embarrassed of our home but it almost doesn't feel like it is complete just yet. Johanna Gaines would be appalled at my curtains in our kids bedrooms, aka its a blanket. But I have thought in the back of my mind, when I go to a friends house, oh they would be so embarrassed for me if they came to my house. haha but then I know those things don't matter. And they don't honestly, but I think it is human nature to want things to feel complete. And on the other hand it all sounds so petty-like. It's this overwhelming sense of not knowing where to start but I feel like I have to. Just weird haha. Perfectionism at it's finest.

5. My voice is triumphant.

Triumphant as in = too loud or extremely needs to calm down. Aka. I am a yeller. haha Honestly that's the only way I have known things can be done. It's not all the time or everyday. But when I get angry or upset, or I have cleaned everything and a cracker gets smashed in the carpet, etc. that triumphant voice decides to come out. It's okay to have arguments or be frustrated, but in a tone that is accepting. haha I am pretty sure mine is not. I realized finding out about this weakness per say, it has hindered me from feeling better about myself, it has hindered me from being a better mother, wife, friend. 

Now that my complaining is done, I know everyone has their stuff. Their issues, their problems, their weaknesses. We are more alike in this world than I think we realize. When I look at the big picture of it all, I have my family. I have Ryan who works hard, he wants the things that I want. People don't realize his strengths sometimes. But we do here at home. Blaire is someone honestly I hope I learn how to be. She just goes for it haha doesn't care what people think I need more of that. Brooks is hilarious. He wants and chooses to be happy all the time. I don't know if an 18 month toddler really knows life in those aspects but his laughs and child-like nature is a good presence in the home. 

Also, having the gospel, having a knowledge of something higher/divine is a strength to have. It brings hope, and a purpose in this life. A wonder and awe of all the good things we do have in this world amongst the crazy (politics, wars, lies, he said she said, i am right you aren't, etc.). Pray is so needed! haha It helps with my triumphant voice, my worries for my children, my struggles to understand why, my hopes to become better in all aspects, to help others, et. I would be lost without it. We as people have been given good to do good with. I am grateful for this, for a Savior, for believing and knowing something that has never failed me. I can't deny His truths. 

Yes, life sucks sometimes and it's okay to know that. haha But it really is pretty rad :)


(Just in case you didn't know haha, the Broncos are going to the Superbowl. #lifeisgreat)

Much Love,

JPB

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Refreshing...

A weekend with family is always wild & crazy & fun & entails so much food I feel sick when it's all over haha.  Ryan's grandpa from Arizona was coming to Idaho & since we didn't get to see him at Ryan's grandma's funeral we thought it would be best to visit. And with conference it was a great time to be with everyone. We left Thursday night to get an early start on our adventure which I love doing. I hate leaving Friday then Sunday because you don't really get that vacation feel really.

Friday Ryan still had to work from home #lame but I took the kids up to Rexburg to see Ryan's sister Katee. Katee actually works for my old boss, the athletic trainer, so I got to see her on campus too! It was kind of nostalgic being back at BYU-Idaho, seeing the changes, etc. brought back a lot of good memories. I really did enjoy school there and those years are very precious to me. Ryan was bummed he couldn't come; too out of the way for being available for work & such. I wish we could have seen it together! Anyways, I was able to meet with a couple of great ladies for lunch at Millhollow. I love that place, oh my heavens not sure why haha but they have great sandwiches & ice cream! It was refreshing to see familiar faces & old friends, & their adorable kiddos! They always make me laugh & it is very easy to be myself around them. Despite my kids screaming, & escaping through-out the restaurant, it was a good time haha. Thanks for being patient with me guys!
[Not sure why we didn't take a picture? but love you Jess & Morgan!]

Later that night us adults got a babysitter, that was refreshing haha, & Ryan's grandpa took us all [Ry & I, Karly, Wade, Katee & Mike, Renae & Grandpa Allen]  to Olive Garden for some yummylicious dinner [as Ivy Mae would say haha aka: my new favorite word]. It was a special time. We sat down ordered our food and gramps gathered us as close as we could and talked about his sweet wife who passed recently. I won't say everything but he mentioned how he will set her place at dinner for company. And he talked about how they did everything together and the special moments right before she passed. Of course I was crying because you could honestly feel that love he has for her still and how the love of Christ shaped that love for them. It was tender and beautiful to witness. The plan of salvation is such a wonderful gift. :)


Nae Nae was getting us some ice cream haha
That night we just came home and watched the BYU game. Little stressful as always haha but we beat em! :) Always that 3rd or 4th quarter and we start playing how we should have the whole game haha. But hey new season, new quarter back, I think we are doing great. #tanstheman

Saturday we got up and Karly convinced me to get out and go run. haha yes I did it. Not sure if that's how far she wanted to go meaning, I ran about a mile & and half and walked the rest but she was nice & walked with me haha. Thanks Kar Kar! haha We talked and it was nice to kind of hear her story of being better health wise, etc. She has learned a lot & looks amazing! :) I always think she is gorgeous anytime of day, but it was to have that time to learn from her. Always admired her ambition!

Since it was conference we tried our best with the kids & watched it on the big screen! They can be distracting which is okay, there just little cuties, but I will have to re-watch all the sessions haha. Also, we only saw the first part & had to go & watch Koy play soccer against Madison. Jokes on us, they switched JV & Varsity, so the JV played first and Koy's game time changed. We went to the park & played. It was fun! :) Cute park kind of secluded, but the kids enjoyed it.
  



We finally got to watch Koy play and missed that second session of conference where they announced the three new apostles! [Ps how great is it that the transition of change is so simple & easy! The Lord knows we need these people to lead & guide us regardless of where they come from or what there careers/talents. Excited to hear more about them].  Anyways, Koy won! Madison is a little cray cray when it comes to sports. The parents think they can play too kind of thing & they are very aggressive & to be honest annoying. Yes I said it. haha They are obnoxious. Koy did really well! Since it is his senior year we may not see him play again, time flies for sure! :) Love you Koyboy!

Later that day we were trying to make plans for the boys being able to watch or attend priesthood & us going to have a girls night possibly. My mom wanted to see us so I was trying to fit that in as well. After some time we figured it out & the boys actually stayed at the house with the big screen. Before priesthood started, us girls [Dani, Katee, Karly & I] went & found a cute craft to do! I usually don't do wood crafts but these were simple & fun & glittery! haha we went back home & I grabbed the kids to go to dinner with my mom. Have you ever been to a restaurant where your kids are screaming the whole time? We were at Johnny Corinos so it was somewhat of a nicer place to eat. Usually they aren't that bad but oh my heavens I was actually embarrassed & had to leave asap because of the craziness. I know kids are kids but haha I had to get out of there. I felt bad since my mom & her cool bf Mike couldn't completely enjoy there time. However, they were supportive & understood the situation. Love you guys! haha thanks for accepting us crazies!



I met Dani, Karly & Katee at a couple places to have more girl time. We ended up at Ross & actually found a lot of cute stuff there! In Utah I hardly do now, it's more of a hit or miss. Of course we had to find matching shirts. I actually have never done this before with anyone I don't think? But it was fun! New tradition? haha
Honestly, I don't know why but every picture I was smiling like that. haha
Sunday morning was quite an event. Brooks hadn't slept all night for some reason so I was kind of out of it & Blaire didn't go to bed until midnight! But she came in Ry & I's room & said, as always in her cute voice, "Hi momma, daddy!" But I could tell she had something all over her face. I was worried it was blood, oh but no. It was pink. Her hands, feet, & face were covered in bright pink. 





I was thinking it was just marker? So I left her in the room & got up to go see the damage. What I found was not expected. I was honestly shocked. haha I opened the door and found this!





My mouth was open for 5 minutes I swear. I didn't know where to start. She found the pink paint and went a cray cray. It was all over the carpet, treadmill, & other things here & there. And I am pretty sure she drank it. Thankfully, Karly's neighbor had Norwex stain remover stuff. haha apparently this stuff is gold? :) But it is! It helped a lot! Everyone was kind & helped us clean the mess up. When I found it I had so many things running through my head. I became really anxious & stressed not knowing what to do first. I was nervous to tell Karly & Wade Blaire had decided to do some redecorating. But of course me & my perfectionism got the best of me. Karly just laughed it off & Wade gave me a hug saying it would be okay. I wanted to cry because of how patient they were &  the accepting of the situation. Of course I cry now because I realize how grateful I am to have married into a wonderful family haha. Simple acts of kindness are always needed in our life, whether we realize it or not. Anyways, so the cleaning crew got the pink cleared up & we got to enjoy our morning crepes! haha :) At lunchtime between conference, we got to have moments with Ry's grandpa again. He talked about the wonderful country America use to be but how saddened he is that it has turned into a selfish, self-serving place to live. But he also talked about how many great people still try to live that way & how thankful he is for them. Of course he talked about his sweet wife & how he misses her. Tender moments for us to learn from for sure :)




Conference was great from what we heard this weekend. Watching President Monson speak was a little heart wrenching seeing him become pale & not able to stand fully. His strength just kind of left but his words were strong & powerful. :) What a great man with a great burden. Grateful for him & all the sacrifice he has done being the prophet. As well as the apostles & our other leaders. They are truly gifted men & women. Their testimonies shape us & help us feel that spirit & love of Christ. That is one thing I love about this gospel. The spirit, regardless of who is speaking, can tell us the truth the speakers share. It is up to us to respond to those truths & feelings to know for ourselves. And I have & continue felt those truths. Christ did die for us, he did show us how to be kind & loving. The Book of Mormon has words of strength & power to overcome our weaknesses. We are never alone! :) I will for sure have to re-watch conference since I couldn't take notes this time! But we have the resources to listen & keep reading these wonderful testimonies & witnesses of Christ.

We got to say one last goodbye to everyone & Ry's grandpa. We called Glen & Hailey & Olive on Facetime to talk with them too! It was a bummer they couldn't make it with everyone together. :( Not fun to have someone missing out. haha it actually sucks. But I hope they know we missed them & they are loved! :) Yakima is lucky to have them! :)


Ry is holding up the phone capturing Glen in the photo haha








 I would say this weekend was one for the books! Love my family more than ever. Of course miss all the ones I know & love! I do know that having Ryan & his family in my life is very unique & just what I need! I really did luck out. Love you peeps!



Until next time,

Much Love,

JPB

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

new post...

It's been three months since I last wrote (not six! haha)A lot of crazy was happening all at once in such a short time, you can read about that crazy right here.

But of course, life is always crazy and these past couple months have been nothing short of the madness we call happiness.

new JOB:

With Ryan's hard work and patience, which I admire, he was offered a position at Clearlink! He actually wasn't planning on working there but stepped out of his box and just counter-offered for them. The worst they could have said would be no, and we heard that a lot so it was for sure worth a shot. The shot worked and he gladly accepted! It is located out by the airport and he is on their marketing team learning more skills each day! Go Ry! :) 

Honestly, he is a much happier and family oriented man. Not that he wasn't before, his work was just demanding and he noticed he was slowly changing in a way he didn't like. (He talks about it on his blog here.) How grateful I am for his diligence in keeping his head up and looking at the situation with a positive attitude. Also, he made it to 18th grade! :) haha Hooray! Almost done with grad school!



new RESULTS:

This is about our cute BQ. She is learning and talking much more these days, understanding how to do things herself, solve problems to things, etc. Our therapist is one in a million and teachings our family skills we will always use. Not just focused on Blaire, but things to help us work together, and communicate better with one another. Blaire still won't potty train, but I am not worried as much as I use to be; she isn't ready yet. Whether or not other people outside are home understand that or not, I don't really care haha. We are doing what we can, it really is the little things that matter. 

On a side note, she did run away from home and was missing for 30 minutes. NOT FUN. Scariest thing in the world. We were outside having popsicles with neighbors and I turned around for one second and she disappeared. We looked in our houses around our area and I thought she probably ran to the park possibly? And sure enough my amazing neighbor found her there. Of course I cried when I saw her I don't wish this upon any parent. She didn't realize it was wrong and still doesn't grasp the concept but the therapist has taught us some new things to help her stay by us. We have to play the stop & go game outside while holding hands, give her specific choices, etc. There is hope haha! But Blaire is honestly a wonderful, independent, beautiful and busy girl. We are excited to see what her energy and excitement about life will bring to this world.

new HOUSE:

I thoroughly enjoy having a place to call our own. As you can see below, still pretty empty. We finally put up some curtains with the help of our amazing neighbors! I just got white because I couldn't take it anymore. I am extremely picky/perfectionist but it works. I am nervous to put holes in the wall too. Which is why nothing is hung, etc. It takes time and money to get what we need/want which I am fine waiting, more times than others. We will get there :) 

video

new PERSPECTIVE:

As with everyone, life is always teaching us to learn something new, challenge us to new heights per say. I knew I was a perfectionist but I didn't realize how damaging it can be. My anger was becoming more constant over simple things. I was putting a wedge between my relationship with Ryan, my kids, and all things spiritual. I began believing the lie that everything had to be right, perfect, then, and not later. I knew something had to change or life was going to get more difficult for me. Ryan and I kept talking and suggested I talk to his uncle Rex who has worked for the church being a counselor, among other things. I had this constant battle for a couple days about calling him, being anxious about it, you name it. I finally just called him I am so glad I did of course!

I learned within minutes that being a perfectionist is a weakness of mine. I hold myself to a pretty high standard which can be difficult when I make the smallest mistake such as forgetting to read my scriptures in the morning. In 3 Nephi 12:48 (Or Matthew 5:48) it says, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect." This is an interesting verse because it isn't possible to be perfect right now, only through Christ and his atonement is it made possible. But not even in this life is it possible. We will be, and are constantly told, we make mistakes. Satan uses this concept and makes us think that mistakes so small make us unworthy to follow Christ, or pray to know he loves us, etc. With that said, I have to constantly tell myself:

1. Perfectionism is a Lie
2. I can know this is a lie if I pray continually about it, I will feel and know it is a truth.
3. Prayer is key and the Lord still loves me for my weakness.

I was totally in a therapy session over the phone. #noshame and it's working! :) I am slowly, not easily, coming to understand how to change my weakness to a strength. This is kind of more personal than I usually share? But with conference coming and my depth within the gospel lately, I just hope everyone knows they are loved. Despite their weaknesses. Sounds like a broken record but I know that if you pray and ask for God's love. You will feel it and you can't forget it. I made this quote by Elder Holland below to keep me on track, it really works with anyone whatever they are going through! :) (there is a watermark on the print haha thats why it may look funny) 



SIDE NOTE: I taught myself a lot of new things to do with illustrator and such for my Etsy shop. I kept asking a talented friend who is beyond adorable from home to do some family portrait stuff for myself and family members my family never got back to me, etc. Long story short, I never had her do it and I totally forgot about it. Six months later Ry lost his job, and other things, we didn't have too much extra cash flow for extra wants. I thought maybe I can do it too? So I essentially taught myself and went from there! I hesitated showing people because I get so nervous about stuff like that. Being vulnerable and sharing your talents. 

Anyways, again my perfectionism can get the best of me with all aspects in my life but don't hesitate to be you people! :) You would be surprised what you can learn about yourself haha. 

new YEAR:

We have 3 summer birthdays! Ryan, Brooks and I! It is kind of fun with lots of celebrating to do! For my bday we didn't do anything too crazy! I hung out with my aunt haha she is pretty great and we have the same birthday so... it's kind of a must! Also, it happened! BLAIRE AND I GOT OUR EARS PIERCED TOGETHER! haha I have never had them before? Who knew, haha. It was fun. She did great too! She only cried for one second! :)





For Ry, we were actually on our way to Idaho since it was July 4th weekend! So we did a lot of family stuff for his birthday! And poor Brooks. haha Ryan had to work all day so I went to the park with some neighborhood friends and we played. He got some gifts but I didn't even have a chance to decorate or anything! WORST MOM EVER! I felt so bad! haha But he is loved I promise :) He started walking around his 1st birthday, now running. He still laughs 24/7. He is excited about life. His personality is very bold and outgoing from what we can tell so far. If anything he over exaggerates every emotion right now which is hilarious and so sweet! Bad note, he loves to bite. Little weasel. haha but he is still a cutie! 

new MEMORIES:

With all that said, we had a lot of fun this summer with new friends and family togetherness. I am grateful for those close to me and far! Isn't life just great? :)


We love when Karly Katee & Mite come visit

Side Note: Blaire never says Katee, always Karly or only Mi't'e
(Never says that 'k' haha) 
Go Gougs! (With our adorable BSU fan) 

4th of July with Ivy Mae! 
These amazing peeps running races! :) (PS: the couple next to ry are having a baby and it's pretty rad since they have been trying forever! :) :) :) You should read her story here! It's so tender!)



Grandpa Bennion's Funeral






Olsen Family Reunion




Ryan's Sweet Grandma who passed away recently after his Grandpa. 
Lagoon!!!! :) (Cannibal was legit ps.)  



Shouldn't have gone on that Cliffhanger... 
That time my mom took me to see the Kristen Chenoweth. Oh my heavens. Amazing. 



Love the park with the babes! 




Until next time!

Much Love,

JPB

Ps. Is fall here yet! That means, Halloween is coming. haha HOORAY! :)