Yes, that's us...

It's a new year & of course a delay in my blog writing bahahaha. I laugh because I really am bad at it. It's okay though, I do it for fun & in my free time which can be hard to find. Sadly, I need to make more of it but who doesn't. haha

2015 was amazing of course. We had a fun holiday with Ryan's mom and all his siblings. It was hard for me to leave. Mainly because I never had siblings close to my age and so it was fun to see that kind of love and togetherness. Not that I didn't have love, etc. growing up at holiday's, just a different type of closeness if that makes sense.  We didn't get to see everyone we wanted to but we are grateful for the time we had with everyone great or small, or not at all (maybe I should be the next dr. Seuss). It was a good and challenging 2015, but worth every minute. 

............

Lately life have been a little difficult to understand, not horrible things just more frustrating experiences/life in general/situations everyone knows about. 

1. Those things you get into and get from here to there, they have 4 wheels.

We bought a VAN, a Toyota sienna 2013, heck yes. haha #noshame.  I have never been a van person so it's been a different adjustment but worth it for sure. We needed a new car extremely bad. Having one car is rough. I wasn't able to leave the house when I needed to, felt a little trapped somedays. Honestly though, we had to make it work. Ryan works in SLC by the airport, and the trax system in Utah has no stops or bus stops where he is at. Also, he has his MBA to focus on and homework has to be a on his priority list. Anyways, so a couple weeks before Christmas, we found a good deal on the van and snatched it at Velocity here in Utah. Then a month later (aka: last week) our old car's engine went out. :( boo... I may have teared up. Only because the luxury of two cars was gone once again after such a short time. It is nice not having a car payment, so once we got the van it was understandable, but now that we will have two is moi sucky. 

2. Wanting to be something, knowing your not a certain thing, and wanting to fix it. 

Ugh, weight has been a struggle with me since I have had kids. I am sure people are like (oh, she has gained weight, etc.) haha I have been asked more in life if I am pregnant with not actually being pregnant this last year. I just carried all my weight from brooks in my gluteus maximus area and my abdominals that can't been seen. However, I will admit it's my fault. I wasn't very consistent with working out. And I love dessert I really do! haha it's not even candy, or pop (soda whatever), etc. I just love that end portion of the meal. With my schooling/degree I should know what is good and bad for me and I do. It was difficult for me to just do it, once again making that time for myself. Once we got another car I was able to go to the gym everyday, and I missed it! I love working out. Just forgot how much haha. So now that we have one car again, it's hard for me to do it at my house. I hate doing it at home. I have to many distractions (not sweets) but projects, etc. So frustratingly I have been trying to balance it and I don't know how to be honest. Just because I don't have a car to go to the gym is no excuse haha so.... A friend talked to me about a netflix documentary about wanting to be HEALTHY, not SKINNY. I have yet to watch it but it is so true. I need to stop saying "I want to be skinny", I really don't haha I want to be fit and healthy and I am fully capable of it. 

3. Children are so wonderful but can be so difficult to understand at the same time. (This is every human individual in this world right? haha so it should make sense). 

But it doesn't. I am that mom sometimes people have said to me or about my kids, not sure if they thought it but I know they have said, "Those kids need medication", or, "I don't think they get enough attention", "Does she ever sit still?" "Is she okay?" haha for reals sometimes it sounds funny to me because I laugh a lot of things off it helps. But it can be difficult. Not the words people say. I am not ever saying, ew who are you to say that "blah blah you (insert swear word I guess)" haha never. In my mind I say, oh shoot, maybe I need to focus on them more, or am I doing enough for Blaire and her behaviors? Is brooks okay that he is a momma's boy? For example, at church Blaire is one of the few, if only, sunbeam that runs around the primary room for an hour.  It doesn't help that I play the piano in there haha but I can tell it's annoying to people because it's annoying to me, and I see their faces. Not that kids should sit still 24/7 get real. haha in a perfect world. But when others don't understand her behavior problems, and when Blaire doesn't understand me or the why to be more reverent it becomes a game I don't like to play. This is also the case when she should be potty trained but isn't. She knows how, but chooses not too. I know I am good mom and can improve in some areas just like everyone else. Just hard to understand why sometimes. Another thing, my kids are starting to be more picky eaters. We actually eat healthy foods, I don't buy processed foods. I make a lot of things which I enjoy doing! (haha I just like dessert haha) We do a lot of organic foods too. Anyways, but when my kids don't eat anything I make and all they want is toast and cereal it get's old. Just eat haha okay? haha just eat yummy dinner. Easier said than done.

4. Overwhelmingness of broken things and wanting to fix them but can't just yet. 

I mean this in a real sense, not my soul haha. Our material items in our home are old, broken, and just outdated. (couches, tv, table, etc.) We have always moved to renters places and could hang things up. Holes didn't matter, but now it's our home, haha we have to be more aware of things. We love our home, it's our first actual home but it is slowly but surely getting to where we want it. And of course things cost $$$ and lately we have had to put that in new cars, etc. Honestly,, I haven't ever posted pictures inside because it's not "pinterest" worthy. We aren't embarrassed of our home but it almost doesn't feel like it is complete just yet. Johanna Gaines would be appalled at my curtains in our kids bedrooms, aka its a blanket. But I have thought in the back of my mind, when I go to a friends house, oh they would be so embarrassed for me if they came to my house. haha but then I know those things don't matter. And they don't honestly, but I think it is human nature to want things to feel complete. And on the other hand it all sounds so petty-like. It's this overwhelming sense of not knowing where to start but I feel like I have to. Just weird haha. Perfectionism at it's finest.

5. My voice is triumphant.

Triumphant as in = too loud or extremely needs to calm down. Aka. I am a yeller. haha Honestly that's the only way I have known things can be done. It's not all the time or everyday. But when I get angry or upset, or I have cleaned everything and a cracker gets smashed in the carpet, etc. that triumphant voice decides to come out. It's okay to have arguments or be frustrated, but in a tone that is accepting. haha I am pretty sure mine is not. I realized finding out about this weakness per say, it has hindered me from feeling better about myself, it has hindered me from being a better mother, wife, friend. 

Now that my complaining is done, I know everyone has their stuff. Their issues, their problems, their weaknesses. We are more alike in this world than I think we realize. When I look at the big picture of it all, I have my family. I have Ryan who works hard, he wants the things that I want. People don't realize his strengths sometimes. But we do here at home. Blaire is someone honestly I hope I learn how to be. She just goes for it haha doesn't care what people think I need more of that. Brooks is hilarious. He wants and chooses to be happy all the time. I don't know if an 18 month toddler really knows life in those aspects but his laughs and child-like nature is a good presence in the home. 

Also, having the gospel, having a knowledge of something higher/divine is a strength to have. It brings hope, and a purpose in this life. A wonder and awe of all the good things we do have in this world amongst the crazy (politics, wars, lies, he said she said, i am right you aren't, etc.). Pray is so needed! haha It helps with my triumphant voice, my worries for my children, my struggles to understand why, my hopes to become better in all aspects, to help others, et. I would be lost without it. We as people have been given good to do good with. I am grateful for this, for a Savior, for believing and knowing something that has never failed me. I can't deny His truths. 

Yes, life sucks sometimes and it's okay to know that. haha But it really is pretty rad :)

(Just in case you didn't know haha, the Broncos are going to the Superbowl. #lifeisgreat)

Much Love,

JPB