Yes, that's us...

It's a new year & of course a delay in my blog writing bahahaha. I laugh because I really am bad at it. It's okay though, I do it for fun & in my free time which can be hard to find. Sadly, I need to make more of it but who doesn't. haha

2015 was amazing of course. We had a fun holiday with Ryan's mom and all his siblings. It was hard for me to leave. Mainly because I never had siblings close to my age and so it was fun to see that kind of love and togetherness. Not that I didn't have love, etc. growing up at holiday's, just a different type of closeness if that makes sense.  We didn't get to see everyone we wanted to but we are grateful for the time we had with everyone great or small, or not at all (maybe I should be the next dr. Seuss). It was a good and challenging 2015, but worth every minute. 

............

Lately life have been a little difficult to understand, not horrible things just more frustrating experiences/life in general/situations everyone knows about. 

1. Those things you get into and get from here to there, they have 4 wheels.

We bought a VAN, a Toyota sienna 2013, heck yes. haha #noshame.  I have never been a van person so it's been a different adjustment but worth it for sure. We needed a new car extremely bad. Having one car is rough. I wasn't able to leave the house when I needed to, felt a little trapped somedays. Honestly though, we had to make it work. Ryan works in SLC by the airport, and the trax system in Utah has no stops or bus stops where he is at. Also, he has his MBA to focus on and homework has to be a on his priority list. Anyways, so a couple weeks before Christmas, we found a good deal on the van and snatched it at Velocity here in Utah. Then a month later (aka: last week) our old car's engine went out. :( boo... I may have teared up. Only because the luxury of two cars was gone once again after such a short time. It is nice not having a car payment, so once we got the van it was understandable, but now that we will have two is moi sucky. 

2. Wanting to be something, knowing your not a certain thing, and wanting to fix it. 

Ugh, weight has been a struggle with me since I have had kids. I am sure people are like (oh, she has gained weight, etc.) haha I have been asked more in life if I am pregnant with not actually being pregnant this last year. I just carried all my weight from brooks in my gluteus maximus area and my abdominals that can't been seen. However, I will admit it's my fault. I wasn't very consistent with working out. And I love dessert I really do! haha it's not even candy, or pop (soda whatever), etc. I just love that end portion of the meal. With my schooling/degree I should know what is good and bad for me and I do. It was difficult for me to just do it, once again making that time for myself. Once we got another car I was able to go to the gym everyday, and I missed it! I love working out. Just forgot how much haha. So now that we have one car again, it's hard for me to do it at my house. I hate doing it at home. I have to many distractions (not sweets) but projects, etc. So frustratingly I have been trying to balance it and I don't know how to be honest. Just because I don't have a car to go to the gym is no excuse haha so.... A friend talked to me about a netflix documentary about wanting to be HEALTHY, not SKINNY. I have yet to watch it but it is so true. I need to stop saying "I want to be skinny", I really don't haha I want to be fit and healthy and I am fully capable of it. 

3. Children are so wonderful but can be so difficult to understand at the same time. (This is every human individual in this world right? haha so it should make sense). 

But it doesn't. I am that mom sometimes people have said to me or about my kids, not sure if they thought it but I know they have said, "Those kids need medication", or, "I don't think they get enough attention", "Does she ever sit still?" "Is she okay?" haha for reals sometimes it sounds funny to me because I laugh a lot of things off it helps. But it can be difficult. Not the words people say. I am not ever saying, ew who are you to say that "blah blah you (insert swear word I guess)" haha never. In my mind I say, oh shoot, maybe I need to focus on them more, or am I doing enough for Blaire and her behaviors? Is brooks okay that he is a momma's boy? For example, at church Blaire is one of the few, if only, sunbeam that runs around the primary room for an hour.  It doesn't help that I play the piano in there haha but I can tell it's annoying to people because it's annoying to me, and I see their faces. Not that kids should sit still 24/7 get real. haha in a perfect world. But when others don't understand her behavior problems, and when Blaire doesn't understand me or the why to be more reverent it becomes a game I don't like to play. This is also the case when she should be potty trained but isn't. She knows how, but chooses not too. I know I am good mom and can improve in some areas just like everyone else. Just hard to understand why sometimes. Another thing, my kids are starting to be more picky eaters. We actually eat healthy foods, I don't buy processed foods. I make a lot of things which I enjoy doing! (haha I just like dessert haha) We do a lot of organic foods too. Anyways, but when my kids don't eat anything I make and all they want is toast and cereal it get's old. Just eat haha okay? haha just eat yummy dinner. Easier said than done.

4. Overwhelmingness of broken things and wanting to fix them but can't just yet. 

I mean this in a real sense, not my soul haha. Our material items in our home are old, broken, and just outdated. (couches, tv, table, etc.) We have always moved to renters places and could hang things up. Holes didn't matter, but now it's our home, haha we have to be more aware of things. We love our home, it's our first actual home but it is slowly but surely getting to where we want it. And of course things cost $$$ and lately we have had to put that in new cars, etc. Honestly,, I haven't ever posted pictures inside because it's not "pinterest" worthy. We aren't embarrassed of our home but it almost doesn't feel like it is complete just yet. Johanna Gaines would be appalled at my curtains in our kids bedrooms, aka its a blanket. But I have thought in the back of my mind, when I go to a friends house, oh they would be so embarrassed for me if they came to my house. haha but then I know those things don't matter. And they don't honestly, but I think it is human nature to want things to feel complete. And on the other hand it all sounds so petty-like. It's this overwhelming sense of not knowing where to start but I feel like I have to. Just weird haha. Perfectionism at it's finest.

5. My voice is triumphant.

Triumphant as in = too loud or extremely needs to calm down. Aka. I am a yeller. haha Honestly that's the only way I have known things can be done. It's not all the time or everyday. But when I get angry or upset, or I have cleaned everything and a cracker gets smashed in the carpet, etc. that triumphant voice decides to come out. It's okay to have arguments or be frustrated, but in a tone that is accepting. haha I am pretty sure mine is not. I realized finding out about this weakness per say, it has hindered me from feeling better about myself, it has hindered me from being a better mother, wife, friend. 

Now that my complaining is done, I know everyone has their stuff. Their issues, their problems, their weaknesses. We are more alike in this world than I think we realize. When I look at the big picture of it all, I have my family. I have Ryan who works hard, he wants the things that I want. People don't realize his strengths sometimes. But we do here at home. Blaire is someone honestly I hope I learn how to be. She just goes for it haha doesn't care what people think I need more of that. Brooks is hilarious. He wants and chooses to be happy all the time. I don't know if an 18 month toddler really knows life in those aspects but his laughs and child-like nature is a good presence in the home. 

Also, having the gospel, having a knowledge of something higher/divine is a strength to have. It brings hope, and a purpose in this life. A wonder and awe of all the good things we do have in this world amongst the crazy (politics, wars, lies, he said she said, i am right you aren't, etc.). Pray is so needed! haha It helps with my triumphant voice, my worries for my children, my struggles to understand why, my hopes to become better in all aspects, to help others, et. I would be lost without it. We as people have been given good to do good with. I am grateful for this, for a Savior, for believing and knowing something that has never failed me. I can't deny His truths. 

Yes, life sucks sometimes and it's okay to know that. haha But it really is pretty rad :)

(Just in case you didn't know haha, the Broncos are going to the Superbowl. #lifeisgreat)

Much Love,

JPB

new post...

It's been three months since I last wrote (not six! haha)A lot of crazy was happening all at once in such a short time, you can read about that crazy right here.

But of course, life is always crazy and these past couple months have been nothing short of the madness we call happiness.

new JOB:

With Ryan's hard work and patience, which I admire, he was offered a position at Clearlink! He actually wasn't planning on working there but stepped out of his box and just counter-offered for them. The worst they could have said would be no, and we heard that a lot so it was for sure worth a shot. The shot worked and he gladly accepted! It is located out by the airport and he is on their marketing team learning more skills each day! Go Ry! :) 

Honestly, he is a much happier and family oriented man. Not that he wasn't before, his work was just demanding and he noticed he was slowly changing in a way he didn't like. (He talks about it on his blog here.) How grateful I am for his diligence in keeping his head up and looking at the situation with a positive attitude. Also, he made it to 18th grade! :) haha Hooray! Almost done with grad school!

new RESULTS:

This is about our cute BQ. She is learning and talking much more these days, understanding how to do things herself, solve problems to things, etc. Our therapist is one in a million and teachings our family skills we will always use. Not just focused on Blaire, but things to help us work together, and communicate better with one another. Blaire still won't potty train, but I am not worried as much as I use to be; she isn't ready yet. Whether or not other people outside are home understand that or not, I don't really care haha. We are doing what we can, it really is the little things that matter. 

On a side note, she did run away from home and was missing for 30 minutes. NOT FUN. Scariest thing in the world. We were outside having popsicles with neighbors and I turned around for one second and she disappeared. We looked in our houses around our area and I thought she probably ran to the park possibly? And sure enough my amazing neighbor found her there. Of course I cried when I saw her I don't wish this upon any parent. She didn't realize it was wrong and still doesn't grasp the concept but the therapist has taught us some new things to help her stay by us. We have to play the stop & go game outside while holding hands, give her specific choices, etc. There is hope haha! But Blaire is honestly a wonderful, independent, beautiful and busy girl. We are excited to see what her energy and excitement about life will bring to this world.

new HOUSE:

I thoroughly enjoy having a place to call our own. As you can see below, still pretty empty. We finally put up some curtains with the help of our amazing neighbors! I just got white because I couldn't take it anymore. I am extremely picky/perfectionist but it works. I am nervous to put holes in the wall too. Which is why nothing is hung, etc. It takes time and money to get what we need/want which I am fine waiting, more times than others. We will get there :) 

new PERSPECTIVE:

As with everyone, life is always teaching us to learn something new, challenge us to new heights per say. I knew I was a perfectionist but I didn't realize how damaging it can be. My anger was becoming more constant over simple things. I was putting a wedge between my relationship with Ryan, my kids, and all things spiritual. I began believing the lie that everything had to be right, perfect, then, and not later. I knew something had to change or life was going to get more difficult for me. Ryan and I kept talking and suggested I talk to his uncle Rex who has worked for the church being a counselor, among other things. I had this constant battle for a couple days about calling him, being anxious about it, you name it. I finally just called him I am so glad I did of course!

I learned within minutes that being a perfectionist is a weakness of mine. I hold myself to a pretty high standard which can be difficult when I make the smallest mistake such as forgetting to read my scriptures in the morning. In 3 Nephi 12:48 (Or Matthew 5:48) it says, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect." This is an interesting verse because it isn't possible to be perfect right now, only through Christ and his atonement is it made possible. But not even in this life is it possible. We will be, and are constantly told, we make mistakes. Satan uses this concept and makes us think that mistakes so small make us unworthy to follow Christ, or pray to know he loves us, etc. With that said, I have to constantly tell myself:

1. Perfectionism is a Lie
2. I can know this is a lie if I pray continually about it, I will feel and know it is a truth.
3. Prayer is key and the Lord still loves me for my weakness.

I was totally in a therapy session over the phone. #noshame and it's working! :) I am slowly, not easily, coming to understand how to change my weakness to a strength. This is kind of more personal than I usually share? But with conference coming and my depth within the gospel lately, I just hope everyone knows they are loved. Despite their weaknesses. Sounds like a broken record but I know that if you pray and ask for God's love. You will feel it and you can't forget it. I made this quote by Elder Holland below to keep me on track, it really works with anyone whatever they are going through! :) (there is a watermark on the print haha thats why it may look funny) 

SIDE NOTE: I taught myself a lot of new things to do with illustrator and such for my Etsy shop. I kept asking a talented friend who is beyond adorable from home to do some family portrait stuff for myself and family members my family never got back to me, etc. Long story short, I never had her do it and I totally forgot about it. Six months later Ry lost his job, and other things, we didn't have too much extra cash flow for extra wants. I thought maybe I can do it too? So I essentially taught myself and went from there! I hesitated showing people because I get so nervous about stuff like that. Being vulnerable and sharing your talents. 

Anyways, again my perfectionism can get the best of me with all aspects in my life but don't hesitate to be you people! :) You would be surprised what you can learn about yourself haha. 

new YEAR:

We have 3 summer birthdays! Ryan, Brooks and I! It is kind of fun with lots of celebrating to do! For my bday we didn't do anything too crazy! I hung out with my aunt haha she is pretty great and we have the same birthday so... it's kind of a must! Also, it happened! BLAIRE AND I GOT OUR EARS PIERCED TOGETHER! haha I have never had them before? Who knew, haha. It was fun. She did great too! She only cried for one second! :)

For Ry, we were actually on our way to Idaho since it was July 4th weekend! So we did a lot of family stuff for his birthday! And poor Brooks. haha Ryan had to work all day so I went to the park with some neighborhood friends and we played. He got some gifts but I didn't even have a chance to decorate or anything! WORST MOM EVER! I felt so bad! haha But he is loved I promise :) He started walking around his 1st birthday, now running. He still laughs 24/7. He is excited about life. His personality is very bold and outgoing from what we can tell so far. If anything he over exaggerates every emotion right now which is hilarious and so sweet! Bad note, he loves to bite. Little weasel. haha but he is still a cutie! 

new MEMORIES:

With all that said, we had a lot of fun this summer with new friends and family togetherness. I am grateful for those close to me and far! Isn't life just great? :)

We love when Karly Katee & Mite come visit

Side Note: Blaire never says Katee, always Karly or only Mi't'e
(Never says that 'k' haha) 

Go Gougs! (With our adorable BSU fan) 

4th of July with Ivy Mae! 

These amazing peeps running races! :) (PS: the couple next to ry are having a baby and it's pretty rad since they have been trying forever! :) :) :) You should read her story here! It's so tender!)

Grandpa Bennion's Funeral

Olsen Family Reunion

Ryan's Sweet Grandma who passed away recently after his Grandpa. 

Lagoon!!!! :) (Cannibal was legit ps.)  

Shouldn't have gone on that Cliffhanger... 

That time my mom took me to see the Kristen Chenoweth. Oh my heavens. Amazing. 

Love the park with the babes! 

Until next time!

Much Love,

JPB

Ps. Is fall here yet! That means, Halloween is coming. haha HOORAY! :)

A few F Words.

Finally.

Hooray! I have finally committed to the blog once again after a six-month (or more let’s be honest) hiatus! Hopefully the blogging readers/world/mainly myself who probably only reads this accept me with open arms!

A lot has happened so I can’t go into much detail? However, I can touch on the big notes of life as of late.

First.

It happened! We did it! We bought our first home & made the official signings on Friday, May 15^th! We finally have a place to call our own & it’s a big deal! We felt really good about the whole process and where we ended up. It was very time consuming but we had amazing help with Heather our bomb realtor, which was referred to us by my good friends husband. She truly made everything smoother & a comfortable process; less stressful than I would have thought. We are forever grateful for everyone who helped us in one way or another! Our neighbors are legit awesome & very welcoming. Our ward is massive, which is probably an understatement. It is very similar to stake conference every Sunday with the addition of five nurseries’, crazy. Sounds overwhelming, which it was at first, but we love it since everyone is in the same boat! We are all newbies! It feels great being in a place where you know you are supposed to.

I will post pics of the insides soon!

Five.

Ryan & I have been married for 5 years, on May 20th. Honestly has flown by! He is the most patient man I have ever met. It isn’t easy living with someone like me who worries about the little things too much, get’s frustrated easily, sometimes has too much to say haha, I can be a handful. However, he never forgets to tell me he loves me, he calms my nerves by his jokes & wackiness, he listens to me blab, he is a father I always pictured for my children, & I know that through our struggles & love of Christ we will make it. I am grateful I found him for my forever. (He actually wrote a freaking sweet blog post about our marriage the last 5 years! Here is the link if want to read about it:Five Reasons Why a Man Needs a Best Friend in His Life).

To celebrate we didn’t go on a wild crazy adventure, sorry, boring us haha.

Buying a house was a pretty sweet thing to do so that was our major gift to us. We did go out to dinner to Johnny Corinos since it was one of the first places we went on a date too. Also, thanks to some friends still watching the kiddos, we added grocery shopping on our date. Haha it was a perfect night out. 

My best Friend. :) 

We are so little! (Year 2010!) 

Year 2015. 

A lot can happen in 5 years :) 

Fertility.

We were blessed with another niece who graced our presence 4 weeks early! Ryan’s sister Danielle & her husband Tyler struggled with fertility for sometime. This past thanksgiving they finally told us they were going to have another baby! This is their second after Ellie who is 6! We all were so happy & crying of course.

She was supposed to be born June 19^th, but came the day after our anniversary on May 21^st.  They named her Isabelle May Thompson, & we all call her Izzy! She was 6 lbs & 19 inches. Which is awesome for a premie baby! She is currently still in the NICU with breathing/eating complications & other little things here & there. However, she is doing great & we love her to pieces! I was able to hold her & she was so tiny but so strong & perfect!

We love you Izzy! Congrats Dani, Ty & Ellie!

Frustration.

We have been living in our home five or six days & Ryan calls me. He proceeded to tell me that he was laid off from work. A lot of things were going through my mind. I kept saying “okay, okay….okay.” haha kind of awkwardly. However, I stopped & told him I loved him, it will work out, you are a great team player, it’s okay…okay… haha jk. But seriously it was a shock to us both. We had no idea it was coming, which was really hard to take, not really understanding why. I won’t go into all the details but you are more than welcome to ask me in a more private setting. For Ry, obviously the responsibility of taking care of the family, amongst other things were first thoughts, & the fact we now had a home to pay for each month. For me, the same concerns, but my heart hurt for him. He dedicates a lot of effort into work. He enjoys working & being in the position he was in. Not being able to be in control of that was again a major shock. We didn’t tell anyone except close family for a couple days. That actually helped, prayers were felt. Love & support were what we needed more than I think we realized at the time…

Our feelings about life for a couple days. 

Faith.

Now it being 2-3 weeks later, Ryan has had multiple interviews, second interviews & many options available open up. Right away, he applied, & applied, & applied, & applied. Non-stop. I admired him more these past couple weeks with his dedication to take care of us. His love is great, & we grew together much more in a sense. Mainly, it has been our faith in Christ we have been relying on, & dedicated prayers of thanks/help. To know that we would be okay, that buying a home was right at this time, that Ryan being laid off was a blessing in disguise, & other things were difficult to see at first. Over the past couple weeks we have felt more okay in our situation than we ever would have thought in that first moment of “okay…okay what next?” The unknown is frightening, but with the help/comfort of the Savior’s love we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else at this time in our life.

Lately, I have been hearing mission stories from my cousin in Toronto, Canada (which I love by the way, missionaries are the best). He is always telling us of people who need Christ in their lives & don’t have it, & the miracles that happen when they meet these people at the right time/place. I just keep thinking to myself how hard it would be for us right now if we didn’t have that hope. That love of Christ to keep us moving forward. He truly does love us at our worst/best moments in life. In all things. I am thankful for the knowledge we have to hold onto that faith & pray that others kind find it too.

Elder Cattelain! 

Fortunate.

Ryan and I truly are fortunate with the children we have been given. They are for sure busy, wild, but have a great love & passion for anything they want. BQ stops at nothing to get what she wants. I found out recently that she has a cognitive/speech disability right now. Long story short, we had a woman come in our home & do some testing. Mainly, Blaire doesn’t understand consequences & can’t express her emotions/behaviors in ways she should at her age. Now we have the opportunity to do more testing & to find solutions to overcome this disability. It was hard at first with everything going on & having to add this on was very overwhelming. Of course I cried off & on about it not knowing what else I could differently to help her. It broke my heart that she couldn’t understand me in certain areas. However, it made things more clearly as to why her communication was off & why Ry & I were having difficulty with discipline. Thankfully we are heading in the right direction, & will have answers overtime. Brooks was having a hard time sleeping through the night, but amongst the crazy two weeks, he had multiple ear infections, constipation, & was teething. Poor little buddy! However, he still laughed, smiled, & was nothing short of a good comfort we needed.

Date with mommy! 

Park time! 

Finale.

Last weekend I had the opportunity to dance again! It was scary, but fun, & exciting, however my body was so sore, yikes haha. DSDS had an alumni dance, so for the finale at the annual TDT concert (aka: Tullerettes) We danced to “uptown funk” and put it together within a couple days really. I loved seeing familiar faces, for sure missed some people, but really loved being in the studio again. It was very much needed after all our crazy up’s & down’s at home. Memories kept flooding back & I am forever grateful for the time & dedication put into something that changed so many lives for the better. Thank you DSDS! 

My little fans! Missing our Ry guy! :) 

Anyways, until next time & not 6 months later I hope!

(as I use to say in my dancing days)

1, 2…Love you!

JPB